My struggles with the Internet are no small task, as my job requires constant attention to it.
I do not need to tell you about the barrage of temptations in cyberspace. Advertising, even on innocuous sites can be risqué to disgustingly perverted. Internet, as a logical entity, enticed me. I could spend days online without stop, and not even noticing it. The Internet is easy, but it is not right. After waking up to this, I took up Job’s covenant. “I made a covenant with my eyes not to look lustfully at a girl.” Job 31:1
But, how am I to grow these hedges? Could I just cut back here and there? Trim at the edges, till it is completely gone? Would reducing the time and content over time, work?
For me, and those whom I talked about this, gradual cutbacks did not work. I always found excuses to extend my time, to expand my searching and not get into the real world. Cyberspace is easy.
There was just one other solution left. Cold turkey. I mean flesh frozen, instant, absolute zero.
I knew I would have issues, slips and annoyances. What I did not want to do is permit myself leeway on the goal from the start. I knew that the closer I am to God, the less of a chance I have to stumble or fail.
Let me remind myself, that the Internet is a tool, that the LORD has given us. It is just like fire. We can cook and warm ourselves, or damage and kill with it. Our choices what makes the difference.
So, here is a list of things I did to help my on my journey. This is a non-exhaustive list, but my starting point. All of them can be done with little to no financial outlay.
No private screen – Location, location, location. If you are blessed to have a family, move all the screens to a location, where general traffic can see what you are surfing. There are few technical excuses why this cannot be done. By moving it into a public and visible area, it helps with temptation. On days when I am alone, I take my laptop and work in a cafe, or public library. I would hate to be caught in public, and I get kicked out when the place closes.
Limit usage – I could spend hours, nay, days on the computer, forget about food, my family and friends, unable to hear the telephone, and even bodily functions became a distracting annoyance. Unless you are in the business of working with computers, there is no reason for anyone to stare at a computer screen for more than a few hours a day. Set a drop dead time on the computer. Better filtering software packages also provide time limit enforcements. I always thought I was an owl, spending nights after nights on the computer. Turns out I can get up at 6 in the morning, and can fall asleep by 10 at night. I try not to touch the computer on weekends, holidays or vacation.
Filtering software – There are dozens of these packages available, some even free. None are perfect, but they block most inappropriate sites, advertisements and track various Internet activities. I also use advertising blockers, and have redundant solutions. The combination of things should reduce not just inappropriate material but speed up my regular surfing, and reduce my security risks. Look for a filtering software which sends periodic e-mail reports or provides a portal to accountability partners.
Limit chat – Chat programs and sites, specially group chat programs are dangerous territory for men. There is little control who else is on that chat. There is little control over what is said. There is little control on the validity of the content. Anonymity tends to push the boundaries, pretending to protect our lies. Limit this activity to get that grocery list from your wife, or address for the Saturday potluck church party.
Avoid spam – I know it is very hard not to get spam. I am not talking about blocking it, or filtering it, although that is very important for many reasons. What is crucial, is not to follow up or look through them. Those subject titles are often made to tantalize you. Just like Joseph from Potiphar’s wife, we need to run as fast as possible. Delete them.
Addiction - Addiction to the Internet, Internet pornography, online gaming, chats and alike is not a figment of our imagination. Check, and double check yourself. Am I spending too much time on the Internet, whatever the excuse is? Am I bored when I am not on the ‘net? Am I behaving differently online, than in the real world? Go outside. Ask family members about you. What do they say? If you are obsessed, you need help. Meet people face to face. Enjoy life amongst your brethren.
Cell phone parental control – yes, some vendors can do it. Most of us have moved on to Internet enabled telephones. Whatever you call your gadget, remember that there are filtering solutions for these devices and need to be enabled.
TV – I … got rid of mine, for now at least. That might be a bit extreme to most, so I suggest the following – do set that parental control, and set it PG-13. Order Netflix. I became a big fan of Netflix since I have no TV, and my kids demand some entertainment when we are shut-in. I can stream some great classics, and order DVDs, yet control the content with extreme prejudice.
Entrust your brothers – Have your brothers in Christ receive your filtering software or accountability report. Becoming accountable to them is an annoyance at first, but the fruit of the relationships grown from it worth it. Knowing that I can discuss my struggles and not be denigrated is freeing. My layman suggestion is that your accountability partner is a male, and not a family member.
As I said before, this is not an exhaustive list, and a perfect solution for everyone. It is a template to think about, and to review. You don’t have to be an addict or have an obsession to follow a prudent path.
February 19th, 2009 at 11:58 am
Great ideas! Thanks for passing this along.
February 20th, 2009 at 6:20 pm
I have quite a few computers at home and use OpenDNS (http://www.opendns.com) to block pornographic sites. You can set it for multiple levels/categories of blocking. The nice thing about it is that there is no software to install and it can easily be set up on a router for the entire network.
For added measure of fighting temptation to re-enable certain sites, let someone else (wife, trusted friend) set the password to control your network.
February 20th, 2009 at 6:41 pm
Thanks for your insight kevin, those are great ideas as well!
February 20th, 2009 at 8:38 pm
Kevin, OpenDNS is an excellent choice solution too. If you are more tech inclined and also have a home network like you, take a look at SquidGuard, Untangle, and finally my suggestion DansGuardian with IPCop.
You are right, sometimes it is good not to know the password, specially in the beginning of the journey.
In the long term, I think it is necessary to learn to make the choices ourselves, instead of relying on barricades. Sooner or later we will be faced with situations that do not require passwords, and we must be ready.
February 21st, 2009 at 3:39 pm
I highly recommend Covenant Eyes. It’s at http://www.covenanteyes.com/ Filtering software is conceptually flawed because it leaves the user to struggle alone in the dark. Find a non-blocked site? No one else knows. So CE focuses on accountability. Go where you like, but your accountability partners will get a report at the end of the week and they’ll know where you’ve been. Simple and effective.
February 21st, 2009 at 6:15 pm
Thanks Josh…I will have to check that one out. There have been a lot of services put out there to help with this but I still believe in my heart it comes down to pure inner desire to stop, continuous encouragement from the bible and then doing the typical things to limit temptation such as family computer area and keeping yourself busy. At the same time it doesn’t matter what baracades we put around the content, if a mans heart wants to lust, he will find a way. I love the accountablility portion of that software!
February 21st, 2009 at 6:16 pm
I use Covenant Eyes myself. Extremely helpful!
Recently the room mates and I have also placed a monetary value on looking at porn. If you look at porn its $20.00 in the pot. If you masturbate its $10.00 in the pot.
This has been extremely effect for us college students. We all live in a room of 6 guys and so being able to talk about it openly and tell someone when you are struggling is helpful!
February 21st, 2009 at 6:17 pm
Another piece that I’ve added to the above suggestions is to avoid (as much as possible) any provactive imagery of the female body. When walking by Victoria’s Secret and other such stores at the mall I purposefully look at the floor. I cover my eyes during love scenes or lingerie comercials on TV. I’ve also enlisted my wife’s support. Anytime she gets advertisements for lingerie in the mail she makes sure to get rid of them before I have the chance to see them.
February 21st, 2009 at 7:31 pm
Went to Mars Hill Church and learned about worship. The men there helped me realize that my struggle was worship, through Redemption groups learned what the idols in my heart were and more importantly learned who Jesus was and what he had done. I learned it wasn’t about managing my sin or stopping “wrong” behavior. It was all about looking at Jesus and accepting him and his work. A couple books I recommend are How people Change by Tim Lane & Paul Tripp and Death by Love by Mark Driscoll.
February 23rd, 2009 at 8:12 am
@Tim
Death by Love is an amazing book. Have you heard Porn Again Christian by Driscoll as well?
February 26th, 2009 at 3:37 pm
This is something I’ve struggled with well before I was saved. After I was saved I tried by my own powers to stop and have consistantly failed for many, many years. I have asked guys to pray for me, I’ve told my wife it’s an issue…didn’t work.
What I have found is that Tim Elsbree is absolutely correct. The problem is not placing all these barriers and trying to live a certain way. That is religion and it does not work.
When I began regularly praying, reading the Bible (listening at work) is when this issue became very easy for me. I still struggle and have to have certain guards but what Galations 5:16 says is what I hold to: “But I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh.”
I recently looked at porn after not doing it for awhile and I haven’t been praying and reading the Bible recently.
May 31st, 2009 at 4:28 pm
Thanks. All are great suggestions. Just like to add recommendations for BeSafe.com and Willingham’s book Breaking Free. I work with guys struggling with sex addiction. It helps me maintain my own recovery. This battle is not won alone and on your own. I tried for years without success. We need a closer walk with God and the help and support of other men and those cloest to us to navigate the path of recovery. The lonliness was devastating. The fear of reaching out to someone for help was even worse or it was just a way to continue in the addiction. We need love, support, understanding, acceptance, and forgiveness from ourselves and then from others. We already have it from God. We just have to learn to accept and understand it. That took me a long to grasp and I still not sure I grasp it completely. The first control tip is to get help.
October 4th, 2009 at 8:41 pm
thank you brother… great service
October 20th, 2009 at 6:31 pm
Books by Dr. Mark Laaser are good as well–he’s one of the leading Christian counselors with sex addiction. Look him up on Amazon.com or through Faithful & True Ministries
October 30th, 2009 at 1:00 pm
Great examples of tools that help people to break free.
Check out this new video from Covenant Eyes about how Internet accountability can help married men and building trust in their marriage again:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WcpotyZ_oSM