I immediately knew the conversation wasn’t going to go as planned; the tone of his voice and the look in his eyes were obvious signs his emotional volcano was about to erupt! I had come to deliver a simple message and ended up covered in the ash of his anger and hostility. What was my reaction? I responded the way I assume most people would when placed in such a situation. I defended myself by blowing up and exploding my own emotional ash on him. Needless to say, things didn’t go so well.
Fuming, I walked away from the disaster which had just transpired. Then, I gathered a couple colleagues and we all came to the determination that a follow-up conversation was necessary. I wasn’t looking forward to it. I hate the type of conversation I knew was necessary. But, after chewing and brewing on my own feelings of disrespect and anger, I summoned the employee to my office, fully ready to unleash a tirade. Needless to say, things didn’t go so well.
I’ve never been the type of person who enjoys relational conflict. Yes, I was a hockey player. Which I know should make me tough as nails, but on the ice I always had pads and a stick to protect myself if trouble arose. Off the ice, in the office, there are no pads and sticks, only words and fists. And I’ve spent most of my life doing all I can to avoid any type of stressful, emotion-filled encounter and the accusations, yelling, denials, anger, hostility, and potential violence relational conflicts often create.
However, in my current job as a manager, I have had to face my inner fears. Not that I have become a big jerk who revels in running around the office red-faced and hollering at everyone, but I’ve come to learn the importance of holding people accountable to do their jobs and do what is right. This means there are times when I must have tough conversations with individuals who are missing the mark in some way or another.
By no means am I now a pro at this. Undoing 27 years of avoidance doesn’t happen overnight. Having corrective conversations with people is still a skill in my leadership repertoire that needs some development. No matter how many times I do it, when I know I’m going to sit an employee down and deliver a hard message, the fear monster from my past arises within me and tries to dissuade me from taking action. He works overtime, trying to persuade me to ignore the problem and avoid a confrontation. But following through on these situations is essential. It helps me develop the disciplinary edge that all great leaders have in some form and it holds employees accountable – all of which contributes to strong leadership and great results for the company.
I consider myself on a leadership journey. If you are on a manager on leadership journey of your own, here are 5 tips for having those hard conversations with your employees.
1. Gather the facts and have a plan
Don’t have a hard conversation off the cuff. What usually happens if you do, is that you get flustered, which can lead to you missing the point or saying things you don’t really mean. Take a second beforehand to think through exactly what you want to say in your conversation. Make a list of all the facts if need be. It is also beneficial to try and predict any possible objections the other person might have so that you can have a response prepared ahead of time.
2. Make sure your emotions are in check
We’ve all experienced the need for this technique at one time or another. When tempers are flaring things almost always get blown out of proportion and more harm is done than good. It is best to take a brief ‘cool down’ period to let the emotions settle. Then you can sort out what you want to focus on the most and communicate that effectively.
3. Engage the other person as quickly as possible
My tendency, when I knew a hard conversation was needed, was to put if off until another time or day. I would make excuses why ‘now’ wasn’t the right time. Unfortunately, this would lead to never having the conversation all together. Now I make it a point to force myself to engage the other person in a timely manner. When you have conversations in a quickly the issue is still fresh in the minds of all parties and it is much more difficult for excuses to be made as to why the inappropriate behavior or performance occurred.
4. Focus on a person’s positives and value first
One fatal flaw in the conversation I referenced at the beginning of this article is that I didn’t realize I was dealing with a person who was feeling under-appreciated and unvalued. Since that day, I put in the effort to start out all my corrective conversations by praising the other person for the things they are doing well. I try to communicate how much I value them. After establishing the worth of the other person, I can express to them what needs to change in a way that is less likely to lead to defensiveness and anger.
5. Always be consistent with the enforcement of your expectations
When building a reputation as a manager you must be consistent in the enforcement of your expectations. Corrective conversations are much easier when all parties know you are simply following through on what you demand of your people. Being consistent takes away the excuse of the other person that you are picking on them or singling them out. Avoiding any appearance of favoritism will go a long way in establishing your credibility as a leader.
Conclusion
Corrective conversations are never easy. I still wrestle with that wimpy internal voice that tells me to just overlook an infraction and avoid a confrontation. But strong leaders must hold their people accountable. Having hard conversations, in the right way, builds a stronger workplace because people know that, on the one hand they valued, and on the other hand, they will be held accountable for their actions.
I’ve since had to have another corrective conversation with the employee I mentioned earlier. This time I gathered the facts and had a plan, kept my emotions in check, engaged him quickly, focused on his positives and value first, and reminded him of my consistent enforcement of the expectations. Needless to say, things went very well!
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